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Rep. Dan Crenshaw has written a children’s book about the (checks notes) dangers of wokeness

Sure, “cancel tradition.” It’s “manifesting in some harmful methods,” sez Crenshaw, so right here comes Dan Crenshaw—or extra most likely a ghostwriter recognizing for Dan Crenshaw whereas Dan Crenshaw pretends to do his day job—to clarify that to good conservative kids who would by no means, ever demand anybody be reported or kicked off their group or boycotted or whathaveyou based mostly on their very own political views, as a result of solely a spineless gutweasel would do such a factor. It is “fairly onerous to seek out completely conservative-themed kids’s merchandise,” says Crenshaw, who grumbles (no critically) about “woke kids’s books.”

So then, meet Fame, Blame, and the Raft of Shame, Crenshaw’s try to clarify the hazards of “cancel tradition” to kids. And if we’re being trustworthy right here, Crenshaw’s try to jot down a guide about “cancel tradition” goes a good distance towards explaining why conservatives do not have a variety of luck writing conservative books for conservative kids. The artwork, which isn’t by Crenshaw, is fairly good! Every part else is a little bit of a prepare wreck—er, shipwreck. Raftwreck?

“The story takes place in an underwater metropolis protected by a dome of seaweed, which begins to crack as extra characters are banished for varied offenses and hurled by the dome on a ‘raft of disgrace,'” reports Fox News.

All proper, this isn’t an auspicious starting. An underwater metropolis populated by furries, I am going to provide you with that one. However hurled by a seaweed dome? So, like, you are murdering them? We’re speaking about murdering them, proper? It is not a lot a Raft of Disgrace as a Raft of Murdering Furries?

The principle premise of the guide is {that a} metropolis of well-dressed furries lives below the ocean, all below a big dome made out of seaweed. Additionally, Crenshaw is there, however now he is an underwater mountain lion. Already we run into issues, as a result of uncooked seaweed is a fully horrible constructing materials and these animals are in for a heap of hassle if the one factor defending all of them from apocalypse is a skinny wall of sushi wrap. On this surroundings, the woke animals’ methodology of alternative for cancelling those that have been impolite to them is to place them on a raft, shove them onto a waterspout in the course of the city sq., and blast them out the seaweed dome to, we presume, meet a horrific finish as their animal lungs fill with seawater and close by lovable dolphins measurement them as much as see what a part of their corpses would possibly style one of the best.

This is some pattern textual content:

“This hateful animal has damage Mr. Mountain Lion’s emotions!” yelled Swan. “Let’s construct a Raft of Disgrace, and lure the skunk endlessly within the whirlpool. This fashion, all who go to our nice metropolis will see his disgrace.”

Oh yeah. Yeah, that is the stuff. That is undoubtedly homicide, proper there.

Anyhoo, all of this apparently goes flawed as a result of apparently the woke animals firing nonwoke animals into the load-bearing seaweed dome of their metropolis is, like, a foul concept and is damaging the dome, threatening to doom all of them.

Actually, although? That is the world you are setting as much as paste in this message? That is horrible writing. A civilization threatening to doom itself to extinction by firing issues that should not be there into their protecting atmospheric dome is a premise tailored for explaining local weather change—what occurred? Did the precise creator and artist attempt to promote a local weather change guide, however bought no takers so needed to swiftly rewrite it for Crew Conservagrift? That is simply unhappy.

The final a part of the guide is, apparently, all Crenshaw-introduced Bible quotes and actions you are able to do together with your youngster as you’re employed to fight wokeness, issues like utilizing “a six-sided die and one pillow per youngster” in a recreation with the target of pretending you’re tied to the Raft of Disgrace and must “make a robust plea to the opposite animals of Starlotte Metropolis that they allow you to again in.”

And I am simply going to imagine that one began out as a consuming recreation, as a result of “six-sided die and one pillow per” individual does not sound just like the gateway to any redemption arc I, personally, am conscious of. Being tied to a “Raft of Disgrace” and having to roll cube to see what occurs subsequent is an entire completely different style of recreation, by my understanding, and completely not one you ought to be educating your grade-school kids.

However you do you, conservative publishing group. Tell us how that works out for you.

It’s going to shock no one to know that Mountain Lion Dan Crenshaw is a hero of the story, and Fox Information stories that the Mountain Lion-Skunk interplay is an “unmistakable reference” to the dust-up between Crenshaw and Saturday Evening Dwell comic Pete Davidson. It’s going to additionally shock no one to be taught that the ethical of the guide is about forgiveness if you end up insulted, somewhat than wokeness. And that is all fantastic and good, however I do really feel like writing a complete guide rehashing the time any individual was imply to you 4 years in the past is not as forgiveness-filled as you would possibly assume it’s. Once more, although, knock your self out with that.

I can consider so many different books to make with this premise. You tie individuals to a Raft of Disgrace and ritually homicide them? It appears like a Texas anti-abortion invoice. You cavalierly knock off These of Inadequate Ideological Perception, purging them out of your midst in order that the remainder may be pure? Is not that the plot of each native Republican assembly of the Trump period? Liz Cheney bought fired by the seaweed dome for daring to counsel that Trump’s delusional and fascist election hoaxes weren’t in actual fact true.

The concept the man who actually made a whistleblower website in order that members of the U.S. navy might flip in superiors suspected of propagating insufficiently conservative beliefs is writing a honest guide about not canceling individuals, although, is a bit a lot to take. The man who thinks protesters ought to get kicked off Olympic groups for protesting needs you to know in regards to the risks of cancelling individuals, he insists, and by God he feels so strongly about that that he is lending his identify to an entire guide condemning individuals like that.

No, I anticipate it is that different little bit of Crenshaw historical past that explains this latest Crenshaw guide. When Crenshaw final wrote a guide, he or any individual satisfied the Republican Celebration to purchase $400,000 in copies to spice up its rank on the bestseller lists. Any guesses on what number of copies Home Republican leaders write a test for this time round?

Yeah. Yeah, that is why a guide about endangering your civilization by sending issues smashing up into your fragile atmospheric protect is now about “wokeness” as a substitute of the plain environmental messages. The Republican Celebration will not be shelling out a half million for a kids’s guide about how Republican obstruction is dooming each youngster on the earth to a catastrophe everybody however Republicans know full nicely is coming.

Actually, although, this can be a racket extra of us must be moving into. There aren’t many individuals who can articulate their ideas nicely sufficient to jot down an precise for-adults guide on politics or the hazards of sure ideologies, however kids? You’ll be able to promote kids something, as long as you draw cute anthropomorphized animals for it. Come hither ‘n stuff, youngsters, and let me let you know a narrative about imply Mr. Possum. Mr. Possum rails about everybody and every part six days every week, demanding that folks be fired or sued or banned or shamed for having the audacity to consider in issues he does not.

Then on the seventh day he goes to Possum Church and teaches kids verses from the Possum Bible. And the information companies all line as much as get photos of it, too.

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